sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
