Hey man sorry I got all grabby
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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