i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
