I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize