Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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