Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
