just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
