just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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