Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
