yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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