but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
