I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
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