porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
