Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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