my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
