I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
