I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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