Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
