Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
