So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
