my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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