I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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