I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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