I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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