You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
