that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize