Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
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