Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
