I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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