It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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