I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
