I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He has the fingertips of a God
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize