well I can't set my house on fire every night
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
