Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
