You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
