If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
