Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Randomize
