people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
