I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
