i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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