I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
