i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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