After last night, I could never be a politician.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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