I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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