This is not my ceiling
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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