I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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