That's when you crack a 10am beer
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
our cab driver is having phone sex.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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