I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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