If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
