Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
