it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
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