got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
