Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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