I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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