His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
