She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
