You smell like stripper and shame
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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