Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize