The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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