On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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