I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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