We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Alive.
So much puke
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
