i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize