Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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