He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
