oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
