Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
where are you?
Hypothermia
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have tasted many bathrooms
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
