Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
