you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
