are you still at the devil's house?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
