Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
