I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
