highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
